Sitting in my kitchen eating some pasta that I made from a bag.. trying to savor the flavor of Italy in this bag.. and all the while thinking how amazing that trip was. I am on my own version of Eat Pray Love.. trying to find my way. What do I want from this life? Life has thrown a lot of craziness at me the past few months.. a lot of confusion and frustration and moving.. kids new school.. new job and new life.. But I love every minute of it. It may be chaotic.. but it was God had given me.. this was all meant to happen.. I was meant to go on this journey find out who I really am and find who I really want to be. I have so much searching to do.. I am not done. I have just begun.. as Aerosmith would say "Life is a journey.. not a dis so estination,..and how high can you fly with broken wings". I love that saying..it so true...Good Night for now.. tears flow as they come and go and I learn how to not be married.. to always have someone there.. whom I thought would always be there...he is gone.. but he was never there from the be beginning.. I was a Bride in a white dress flowing down the aisle.. and not knowing what was going on around me.. Better days I hope.. are ahead. Night

July 200-March 2009

This period of my life is one of tragic losses. The summer months of 2008 brought a reality to my mind that I was not only in love with my husband but that his verbal abuse had reached an all time high and my confidence was to zero. I was rebuilding that in my therapy sessions to know that I was to become a better person and I knew in the end all of these nights of crying were going to end in joy and happiness someday.. but I had to go through it. It is hard sometimes for some of us to look ourselves in the mirror and see what flaws we need to work on. We just go with the hustle and bustle of life and we do not take time to those things that matter the most, Kids, spouses and/or friends and family. Life is all about change and change is upon us each and every day. We all have to be open to change..and the change was what scared me the most. I lost my job in August of 2008 of two years and that put me through a living nightmare. I was going to file for divorce that day, August 22, 2008.. and I could not.. now I had take a million steps to figure out what I was going to do. So I met with my therapist developed a plan and went back to school to finish my degree. In January of 2009 I went to my first class, Anthropolgy and that alone changed my perspective on so many things. It opened my eyes to the world and there was no turning back.. I remember the very first song that was played when I went to class (she liked to play music from time to time for some reason before class would start) So she played "Unwritten" by Natasha Benningfield.. and so the change begins.....

June 2008

In June of 2008 I found myself in a place in my life where I was utterly in unhappy. Job, life, kids, husband were all apart of this. I tried for 9 years to be the perfect wife, mother, and friend to all those around me...but it seemed as if I was doomed and could never be perfect. My then husband and I were at a point in our marriage where it was make it or break it. I suggested that we go to counseling and he agreed to go. He went reluctantly and only went for two or three sessions, we tried the love dare from the acclaimed movie Fire Proof and I tried to make sense of the marriage. To save from telling some very private details about the marriage that my ex and I decided would be only discussed between he and I, I will say it was a nightmare marriage and we were both done. The process had started and the separation was to begin. We lived in the same house for over a year trying to make it work and trying to not make it work (hence the separation) It did not matter what I did or what I said...it was always my fault. I admit I was at fault as well in so many areas and that is what kept me in thearpy for the next two years until March of 2010. I needed to figure out what was wrong with me...and all the while my thearpists stated it was my ex-husband but I also had some much needed work to do on me and my actions towards others.